Journal Entry: Mon Apr 7, 2014, 4:41 PM
Guess it takes immensely stressful events for me to realize when im being played. On a trip recently, i was chewed out for being who i am. By somebody who claimed they knew me. If they knew me, then they'd know insistent whining is something i do whenever im scared/tired/frustrated/hungry. Apparently not. Ive been feeling sympathy for her because her home life sucks, her mother has major control issues. But after that sudden point-blank reaming i got (in the middle of a restaurant for petes sake!), i realized a few things:
1)I may be partly to blame for some fights, but not completely. I believe both sides are likely to say mean things ina fight, and therefore both sides should apologize. But ive spent most my life either apologizing for shit i haven't done, OR being the sole one to apologize in a fight., The other side, despite giving as much cruelty as myself, says nothing.
2) Said friend has options out the wazoo to get away from her mother. But despite my efforts to present them to her, her response was "i only want to move once, so i have to find the perfect person to move in with". Where do i start? It ISNT that easy, no sir. I should know, ive made more moves then a tiddlywink. If the home situation was really that bad, she could move to a YMCA. But no, the nearest one isnt close enough to her job, she'd have to alter her routine. What it comes down to is this: either do something, like i did, to get outta that situation, or quit expecting everybody to attend the pity parties. When you have that many options at your disposal, and you refuse them all, people are gonna start losing sympathy, as far as thier concerned, that person could change their fate at any time, they just refuse to.
So no, no more sympathy. Ill be there to help if she wants it, but i am not falling for that ploy. I will apologize if im actually in the wrong, but not anytime else. Thats it.
3) If one more person yells at me for something thats either thier fault or just plain BS, i will not take it lying down. Case in pint; i was trying to focus on a phone call with my sis, and my parents kept glaring at me the whole time, or making obscure "hang up" gestures at me. I kept waving them away, because their nonsensical madness was confusing me. Apparently, as i was told after the call, i was "deliberately" provoking them. As if THATS all i have time to do in my life. Good grief, it took all i had not to laugh when my mother said "dont get people mad for no reason", as if she hasnt done the same thing a gazillion times herself. My parents are firm believers in double standards apparently. Probably how i learnt it myself. huh. So basically i kept a straight face, letting their insane ranting go over my head, then once theyd resumed bickering about other shit, i wandered off. When they have a bad day, i always got the brunt of it. well screw THAT. I will bite back, just because thier having a crap day does NOT mean its OK to treat people like crap.
So yeah, unless i can trust people enough to apologize in return, i will only apollogize if i see fit, if i really think ive done something bad. I have a guilt complex a mile wide, and sometimes being too generous to people has led to me ending up a doormat to them, albeit unwittingly. Ive bene told a few time sim very kind. Maybe thats my downfall, i want to make people feel better, even if i end up hurt in the process. In the past ive said sorry just to get things back to some sense of normal, because i cant cope with the situation. Maybe its time to start coping. Ive sacrificed enough bits of me for stupid fights, its time the other half bore the load too.
I also never want to see the City of London ever again.
I was watching the subtitled/translated version of a song by k-pop boy-band Nu'est, one line says "sometimes being too courageous can be bad for you", or something similar. Kinda sounds familiar...only replace "courageous" with "kind". Good song, give it a try!
Its funny, people treat me like crap because im too eager to please, too fast to say im sorry. But another facet of my austism, which i used to beleive was a curse, is something the rest of my family is misisng. The ability to see beyond the bullshit facades they use, to figure a way to live thats not so tied down by the unseen rules and regulations the world crams down everybodys throats. Make-up? ew. Only looks matter? Off you f**k. Appearance is 9/10ths of an encounter? Does that mean people i meet are only 1/10 actual IQ? Seriously, who makes this stuff up?! These are all things ive been told throughout my life, im not makign it up. -__- When people try to persuade someone else to do stuff for them when thier perfectly capable of doing it themselves. That rerally annoys me. My mother tried to trick me into going down the off liscence, and get this, because she wasnt made-up enough to go out. I pointed out nobody cared. She said "well i doi!", to which i said "then thats YOUR problem!". Im serious. Not having make up on is NOT an excuse, nobody cares. Its just being lazy. I managed to stagger down to the local shopping center after suffering the worst effects of stomach flu. I was weak and wobbly, and i nearly fainted in the frozen aisle, but i did it. The difefrence between me and her is, even when im sick, even when theres other people around, i dont ask them to fetch stuff for me. I believe in doing things myself. She complains if anyone jokes about her age, yet she'll pull that trick so fast it'll make your head spin when it comes to things like shopping. See, double standards.
Maybe its just ME, maybe my condition has left me with a short fuse for peoples sill-bugger behavior, but is that REALLY such a bad thing? I wonder...
At least those drugs they gave me at the dental center have worn off....eugh...ive been sick and woozy for hours. And the size of the needle...@__@ its scary!