Journal Entry:
Wed May 15, 2013, 2:33 PM
-
Mood:
Triumph -
Listening to: HyunA
-
Reading: Ghost Recon - Choke Point
-
Watching: Generator Rex <3
-
Playing: Silent Hill Downpour
-
Eating: Pizza
-
Drinking: Vanilla Coke (whoo!)
Well, im still here, albeit slowly clawing my way back to normal after the last few weeks. Basically, i had a minor breakdown, suffered headaches and migraines, felt sick, drained and tired, and was a nervous wreck for nearly a fortnight. My teachers were getting a little worried, as i seemed a bit "twitchy". Those were my classmates words, not mine...>_> Not that they were wrong, my nerves have been ran through a cheese grater lately, and even now my hand's are still shaking worse then the average. Fighting Autism and OCD is hard, and its taken a lot of time to fight the urges to do old habits that wouldn't cause any hope.
One big habit ive just barely kicked was an attachment issue. You probably all figured out by now i had an almost emotional attachment to my computer, referred to as "Perseus". Well, after it suffered a minor breakdown (the one that coincidentally triggered MINE), i realized i was only harming myself. Driving myself to insanity every time it did something funny was running me into the ground, id be in tears when things went wrong. When i rang my mother she said letting something rule your life like that is dangerous. Shes right. So I've stopped coddling the PC, stopped calling it by name, stopped absently petting it like a puppy every time it does something good, or crying every time it does something odd. My IT teacher took a look at it, said its a good machine for its age (near 3 1/2 years!), not unstable like i feared, and he gave it a bit of an MOT. It starts up proper fast now =3, and overall seems more settled. People commented they thought it looked cool, the casing was nice etc. Also i stuck little stickers all over it~ Ive always been pretty secluded, an my love of computers has always served as a means to talking to people, and various other stuff. My dependance on it probably caused the emotional attachment, i was spending so much time on it, was treating it like a pet. Trying to solicit attention and affection from a machine is impossible, so treating it like a person or pet was pointless. Laugh if you like, but this isn't uncommon with aspergers and autism. We have to fight, and fight HARD, to get to the point most of you find so easy. So breaking a lifetime habit has left me feeling emotionally dragged out, add to that the other mess mentioned above, and you have an emotionally worn out, on-and-off again sickness drained autistic ME.
My teacher taught me a lot, including the fact i don't need to be loading the sodding machine up to the eyeballs with protection programs. AVG as its mainstay is enough. Relating to AVG though, it recently updated to its latest edition. The upgrade comes free with the license, and my teacher recommended i do it. Downside? Well, the interface is kinda...ass-about-face. Everything's in the polar opposite direction to where it was before. My autism dug it's heels in and was all "gahh, don't like this!!" >_< It always makes me flip out when things change, even in appearance, so this threw me awhile, but everything seems cool, so I'll just leave it be.