EDIT Thank you, all of you. Things are, right now, going a whole lot better. Ive spoken with those i love and those that bothered me. Things have been worked out to the point where i can think straight at long last....
This fandom was the reason i got onto DA. An obscure animation originally from France, called Skyland. Also the home of the first OC i ever created.
Aka, the Guy on the right (i deliberatly gave him a somewhat adrongynous look ^^'). An AI (artificial intelligence) named Sirus, hosued in a highly adavanced humanoid body, he did a runner from his creators, an organisation named "The Sphere", to aid the leader of the rebel pirates, Aran Cortes (on the left). This being me, it was also the first shonen-ai story i ever did. The fandom has sadly all but faded out, which is a shame, as it holds some of the most precious memories of my time on here.
I drew anything and everything i could think up, without the fear that dogs me today. I had only a few watchers, but they were the sweetest! ^^ If any of them/you see this, i havent forgotten you, or this fandom. You were part of what helped pull me out of a 2-year bout of clinical depression after i lost my job and suffered a severe breakdown.
I wish you could do it one more time, im struggling to win this round. My brother, to whom i owe yet another round of gratitude, helped break an emotional deadlock that had me feeling, welll....sweet FA for almost a week on end. Things i loved, things i feared, neither was making any impact. I couldnt cry, couldnt laugh...i just felt empty. It effectively felt like i shattered deep down. My reaction to everything was just...."F**k it". I miss the simple happiness of this fandom, of those days. Where it wasnt just a matter of how many comments i got, or how many faved it. Where i fell in love with drawing.
Where i wasnt feeling like i was fighting to keep up with people i seen as so much more talented and strong than i could ever be. Something that has been drowned beneath a fandom that is simply too big and frightening for someone who suffers from crippling social interaction phobia. I always thought meeting other fans would help me feel less alone...but in the end, i couldnt handle it. Seeing how confident they are, how they can effortlessly display the wonders they create. By nature, i am not confident. Texting and IM-ing and even posting things here...all it takes is careful typing, and i seem like any other person.
But reality is a different picture. In reality, i tend to cry a lot. The voice you may hear on Skype is the result of exhausting levels of self control, to make my reponses sound right, to always sound cheerful. Never let anyone see theers something od about me. This hides how im feeling a large amount of the time. I get scared of people ive grown to really like laughing at the things i do. Wether its family or friends, I cant read people's voices, or facial expressions. Dont get me started on body language. Im Autistic. A condition ive viewed as a curse for a long time. Its effectively crippled many areas of my life. I may be able to reason it through in my head, but put me in the live situation and i cant control my emotions. Theres no method of curing it. Its a condition caused from birth, where the brain literally fails to develop the way it should. Neural pathways that are supposed to be there don't form, causing a fractured emotional state. Traits can vary from person to person. My specific diagnosis is "High-functioning". What this means is i have a normal enough IQ, and am capable of constructing a facade the otuisde world sees and views as normal, but underneath i suffer from the severe emotional problems the condition entails.
Until two years ago, while i knew something was wrong, i couldnt afford to go private, it wouldve cost hundreads of pounds. But in 2013, the NHS (National Health Service, the UKs healthcare program), began funding free diagnosis on referral from a doctor. This meant i finally knew what i had, and how to beguin understanding it. The therapist was shocked at the state i was in when i came to her. I blamed myself, viewed myself as simply being WRONG. Convinced i deserved the taunting the laughter, the hurtful comments from those around me. Couldnt defend myself, id given up. I made fun of myself, tried to make it look like none of it hurt, simply enduring it all.
I seen an interesting study on TV, where they ran neural scans on a sample group of average people, and a group with autistic disorders. They discovered the typical autistic uses three times as much mental power and energy as a normal person doing the same task.
It was only last night i finally managed to start getting past this mental block. To finally cry was such a relief, even if it did take hours before i stopped...
I was listening to a playlist on youtube whilest working on this and came across an MLP song called "alone in the dark" by Jeff burgess and Lady Aria. This last part reminds me of my talk with my brother, just replace "She" with "He"Through all the armor and black
She saw my true form and my mask
Don't leave me here, I cried, please don't let me go
She stayed with me to let me know
The final bit just sums up how this condition makes me feel:I'm all alone in the dark
Trapped in shadow and scarred
Deep in the back of my heart
Is a soul uncharred
I'm all alone in the dark
I've never played my part
Pretend I don't even exist
For I'll never find a way to escape these bars
It's a beautiful song, lovely singer. Lucky for me, i can download it off bandcamp....ive had it on repeat on YT for the last half hour.
I have to go now....im worn out emotionally from last night, and i can barely see straight...
But heres a silly image from my iPad camera...a plushie parade! (And thats not ALL of them).
Skyland (c) I cant rememebr T__T
Sirus (c) me